Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!?

NO! NO! NO!

Most zombie movies just straight up suck, and this is one of them.

Basically an even lamer knock-off of the already deritative, yet fun, Zombie Strippers, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! has nothing going for it but a name that is a lot of fun to say out loud.

Seriously, there is absolutely nothing redeeming about this film. I'm not even going to waste my time talking about it. I wasted enough of my life watching it.

Run, don't walk, as far away as possible.

Dance of the Dead - The Ironic Zombie Comedy done RIGHT

Dance of the Dead looks kinda stupid. I think that's fair to say.
You get the impression that's it going to be a mediocre teen comedy with a few zombies thrown in for good measure, or some kind of already doubly-derivative, simply by name, Shaun of the Dead for the tween crowd.
That would be a tragedy, though, because Dance of the Dead is actually a pretty decent movie, and a pretty awesome zombie movie.
With tongue planted so firmly in cheek it's practically poking out through the skin, Dance of the Dead leads off with all the genre conventions, and slyly subverts them just enough to keep us interested. There's the likable slacker, the bully who will end up as ally, the asshole teacher who is going to die in 5 seconds, the immaculate love interest, the friend who you know won't quite make it.
It also manages to play to the tropes of teen comedies pretty well, but clever writing and all around decent acting keep things moving along.
When the inevitable zombie outbreak occurs, the film really takes off. Regardless of what it's actual budget was ( I believe quite small) it manages to pull off that low-budget look while having inventive and squeal-inducing gore. They cut-away a lot, and obscure quite a bit, but it's all well done.
It flounders a bit in the climax, as many of these films do- but even that's not much of misstep, and this film is simply so much fun to watch, it more then makes up for it.
Simply put, in terms of zombie comedies, there aren't many better.

Dance of the Dead - 2008
Directed by Gregg Bishop
Written by Joe Ballarini
Starring Jared Kusnitz, Chandler Darby, Greyson Chadwick, Justin Welborn

Evil Dead II

Evil Dead II is quite possibly one of the most beloved cult films of all time- and it deserves and earns every bit of that praise. This movie is totally insane, an unhinged, Stooge-ian romp through buckets of blood and guts.

It's not about zombies- the monsters in this film are demons that possess and reanimate the recently or not so recently living- but as it's frequently lumped with in zombies movies, I figured I'd cover it as well.

Evil Dead II is one of those movies that, while in other films the directors might have said "Can we even do that?" in this one they said "We're going to do that as a musical, with cartoon sound effects, and cover everyone in vomit in the end." I realize that that might not sound terribly appealing to anyone, but you just have to trust me...there is a level of creativity in this film that totally belies it's B-horror movie trappings.

This is the film that more or less launched Sam Raimi into the rather comfortable position he enjoys now as a big name director, and destined, or perhaps condemned, Bruce Campbell to a eternity of low budget roles as the snarky hero.

Evil Dead II is more or less a remake of the first film. It takes place in the same cabin, features the same protagonist doing more or less the same thing, and even starts off with a re shot and truncated version of the first film to bring everyone up to speed.

This is where the similarities end. Where Evil Dead was a legitimate attempt at horror, Evil Dead II completely embraces Raimi's love of slapstick humour and gross out horror, and Campbell's genius for physical comedy. It might sound bizarre on paper, but in the film the styles sync up beautifully, the humour setting up and adding weight to the films truly frightening moments, while the outlandish nature of what is going on means you quickly  realize you have no idea what to expect.

If this sounds a bit gushing, eh, what can I say, I love this movie. I think, for most people, it's hard not too.

Evil Dead 2 (also known as Evil Dead II and Evil Dead II : Dead By Dawn)

Directed by Sam Raimi

Written by Saim Raimi and Scott Spiegel

Starring Bruce Campbell, Sarah Berry, Denise Bixier, and Richard Domeier.

Evil Dead

That is a very impractical way to wield a chainsaw. Just saying.

Ah, Evil Dead. Not generally considered a zombie movie as this series is more about demonic possesion, but awesome nonetheless.

Made on the cheap by a group of now-very-famous friends in 1981, the imprint and influence of this film can be felt on scores of cheap and low budget horror movies on a scale that probably rivals Night of the Living Dead.

You know the plot- 5 friends go to a cabin in the woods, mistakenly read an ancient book that summons forth demons from hell, and one by one get possessed and killed in all sorts of terrifying ways. That setup may have already been dated when this film first debuted, but Evil Dead has a lot going for it.

For one, it was directed by the thoroughly creative and inimitable, if somewhat quircky, Sam Raimi, now probably known better for the Spiderman movies.

It stars cult movie ICON Bruce Campbell, now worshiped by every fanboy and fangirl the world over, in his first major role. It was definetly the this movies sequels that made him, and Raimi, what they are today, but this was the first fledgling step.

It's bloody, weird, and it goes all out. Mock-ups of bodies disintegrate in stop motion. Eyes are gouged. A woman is raped by a tree. This film was so intense for it's time it couldn't even get a American company to release it, though I bet they kicked themselves for that- it became quite popular.

Evil Dead is a cornerstone of horror movie history- even if it's been eclipsed by the fame of it's sequel/remake, the more comedic and polished Evil Dead II. But Evil Dead has that manic energy all its own, that many of these early, first-wave sort of Horror movies have. Instead of rehashing old tropes and delivering what's been done, they were creating the genre in their own image.

If you haven't seen it, this film comes highly recommended if...

• You want to have some sort of horror movie cultural literacy.
• You want to make movies- there are a lot of pretty transparent and inspiring techniques used in here, and if you get a version with commentary/special features you can learn a lot about low-budget film making.
• You like Bruce Campbell- it's worth watching just to see him trying to act whilst obviously constantly getting the shit really kicked out of him.
• You've seen the other Evil Dead films, but somehow missed this one.
• You like good horror movies. Let's face it, you're probably not reading this if this movie isn't your cup of tea.

That said, it is a bit rough. It falls prey to the same trap that most early low budget horror films do- occasional bad pacing, some sketchy editing, frequent boredom. It's the sequel that give this franchise it's massive cult appeal- but it's this film that made it all possible, and it's got enough tricks up it's sleeve to be worth watching.

The Evil Dead (Also 'The Book of the Dead' or 'The Evil Dead, the Ultimate Experience in Grueling Terror') - 1981

Directed by Sam Raimi

Written by Sam Raimi, Ted Raimi

Starring Bruce Campbell, Besty Baker, Ellen Sandwiess

Dead Sno (Død snø) - NAZI ZOMBIES MUST DIE

Dead Snow, or 'Død Snø' as it's known in its home country of Norway, is a cut above most b-level horror comedies...but that is, in some ways, like being king of the lepers. Sure, you're royalty, but nobody actually wants to touch you..

Perhaps I'm being a bit too harsh- It's not a bad film, by any means. But let's be honest- there are so many terrible horror, and zombie films, that a mere decent one looks brilliant by comparison.

That's not to say that Dead Snow isn't worth a rent- or even a bargain buy. It's funny in parts, and it is at least entertaining to watch. The novelty value alone is tremendous. Casually let slip you have a movie with zombified nazis at the next office party, and watch women throw themselves at you, and men throw themselves at your TV, with reckless abandon.

But Dead Snow makes the common mistake of spending too much winking and nodding at the audience, reveling in the fact that's a movie with zombies made by film nerds, instead of ACTUALLY BEING A ZOMBIE MOVIE. There's far too many haphazardly worked-in references to genre classics that do little but make you think fondly of the other films and pull you out of the movie for a while.

And while it slyly acknowledges the usually poorly executed common tropes of these sorts of films- i.e, the 'mysterious stranger,' the scene where everyone gets weapons, the quickly dispensed with attempts at character building- it still ends up running us through them, and doesn't really take advantage of it's unique set-up to make them terribly interesting.

All that being said, Dead Snow is a fun zombie movie, with hints of being better then average, which is perhaps why, when it didn't quite make it, it disappointed me so much.

One thing that does not disappoint, though, is the Nazi Zombies themselves, when the finally arrive in a meaningful way. Excellent costumes and makeup, and a lot of really creative and spirited blood and violence kick the last half of the film up a big notch. This is one of those films where you'll find yourself frequently grabbing various parts of your body in sympathy as the actors get ripped and torn apart on the screen in various uncomfortable ways.

However, when it comes down to it, it takes far too long to get to that period of violence and real creativity, especially since a lot of the film is not terribly important and just there to fulfull some horror cliches with a knowing, but not quite understanding, wink.

You could certainly do worse, but you could definetly do better.

Dead Snow (Død snø, 2009)
Directed by Tommy Wirkola
Written by Tommy Wirkola and Stir Frig Henriksen
Starring Vegar Hoel, Stir Frig Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner, Lasse Valdal.

Dead Girl

Something terrible is probably in that room.

Dead Girl bills itself as a 'new horror classic' and a 'genre-busting experience' and while that sounds a bit arrogant, it is in some ways true. It's a solid movie, it's easily one of the better and more innovative horror films of the last few years, and it manages to make the well-worn coming-of-age plot seem fresh and relevant without beating you over the head with it, most of the time. 

It starts a little rough. The two main characters, a fast talking asshole named JT and his moody, young-Johhny-Depp-channeling sidekick Rickie, spend the intro lounging around at the high school making the 'duck face' at girls and looking like complete douche bags. However, once they decide to skip class to wander around abandoned buildings and throw 40oz's at walls, the film switches gears and they become either more relateable, or more tolerable. Either way, the intro may contain a few missteps, but this film picks up in a few minutes and doesn't let go.

By and large, this is a movie about growing up. We see Rickie have issues with girls, with his parents, with, as the plot progresses, his friends. The only things that make these stale themes interesting in this film is the way they tie in to the titular 'Dead Girl.'

I'm just going to say this, and it really isn't a spoiler. Anyone who'se seen the box and read the tagline -'You never forget your first time' - knows what this movie is about. It's about people having sex with a female zombie. It's not particularly graphic in terms of what it shows during the necrophiliac lovemaking, but it's not a movie you'd want to watch with your grandparents, or anyone you ever want to have sex with.

The film uses the Dead Girl for all sorts of explorations into the nature of relationships, of sex, of crazy teenage hormones and the mess they can make. To it's credit, it doesn't beat you over the head with much, choosing instead to imply and throw together a few quirky events that tie together well. 

Luckily, people are starting to realize that, at this point, we've seen zombie movies before. We're tired of watching zombies attack people taking shelter in a house. This is one of the first sort of new zombie movies to take that idea to heart- to create a film about something in which zombies happen to be in, instead of a film where the mere presence of zombies is supposed to be enough. 



Dead Girl (2009)

Directed by Gadi Harel, Marcel Sarmiento.

Written by Trent Haaga.

Starring Shiloh Fernandez, Noah Segan, Jenny Spain, Michael Bowen, Candice Accola.

Kung Fu Zombie : The Best Thing of All Time

If you read the title, and registered what the words meant, and you're not drooling all over your keyboard...you're on the wrong website, because this is probably the single best thing ever created, opposable thumbs, penicillin, and Guinness be damned. 

Alright, well, I am exaggerating, but only a little. A thoroughly awesome, and rather unhinged, kung fu/comedy film from the 80's, Kung Fu Zombie is essentially what would happen if you gave an tripped-out asian MTV film crew a bunch of speed. This is probably the fastest movie ever made. I swear to god, somebody can not even open their mouth without us seeing their lips open in a closeup, and then a pullback and a useless zoom to, literally, stolen music from the James Bond Theme, and then a shot from a different angle for each word- nay, each syllable.

Alright, so maybe it's not THAT nuts, but this movie clips along at an insane pace. It flies forward like a meth head jonesing for his next fix, and doesn't ever stop, even if wants to. Like a Toyota.

Kung Fu Zombie stars Billy Chong, who's quite charismatic and talented in all the films I've seen him in, but for some reason never really made it. He's the requisite goof-off son of a relatively rich and powerful man, who crosses the wrong black magic wizard and finds himself fighting off waves of 'zombies' while also trying to outwit and outfight some sort of vampire thing that wants his fathers head. It gets a little more complicated then that, but honestly, we're not watching this for the plot.

In an effort to showcase just how insane this movie is, I've found this clip on you tube, from the beginning of the movie.

How can you say no? The perfect movie for one of those nights when you just want to watch some silly and insane- and I guarantee you, few things are weirder then this, and still really enjoyable.

Wu Long Tian Shi Zhao Ji Gui (Kung Fu Zombie)
Directed By Yi-Jung Hua
Written By Yi-Jung Hua
Starring Billy Chong, Tao Chiang, Yeong-mun Kwon, Pak Sha Lik

Dawn of the Dead (Original)

George Romero's  Dawn of the Dead is another one of those movies that, if you want to style yourself a zombie movie buff, you'll need to watch, and probably want to own.

Though not quite as influential as Night of the Living Dead, as it brought little new to Romero's zombie formula other than MORE ZOMBIES!!! and COLOUR!!!, Dawn of the Dead is actually quite critically regarded as an excellent satire and one of the better horror movies to come out of the 80's.

The film follows four people who, in the midst of a massive zombie outbreak and general worldwide apocalypse, flee to a helicopter and decide to camp out in a shopping mall.

They manage to chase the zombies out and eek out a more or less normal existence, surrounded by the trappings of a modern world that has long since ceased to function. But will their base desire for material possessions prove their downfall? Will the most dangerous thing, apart from the flesh-hungry undead disco dancers, prove to be other human beings?

All kidding aside, Romero's zombie films, the good ones anyway, have always been able to transcend the genre because they're films about something, that just happen to have zombies in them. Far too many films simply use a 'hey! we've got zombies!' outlook and then spend 60 minutes making heads explode. Not that I'm complaining, there is a time and place for everything, but Dawn of the Dead deserves it's high reputation, and rewards multiple viewings.

This is the DVD that I have currently; it's awesome if you're into this movie, Romero, or behind-the-scenes footage and film-making. It has multiple cuts of the film, multiple commentaries with the actual filmmakers and cast full of interesting tidbits and memories, and a sweet documentary about the making of the film, among other things.

Dawn of the Dead
Directed by George Romero
Written By George Romero
Starring David Emge, Ken Foree, Scott H. Reiniger, Gayleen Ross
Effects by Tom Savini

Zombi 2 - The Moby Dick of Zombie Movies.

This is one of those films that everyone loves- well, everyone that's so much more into horror movies then everyone else, anyway.

Truth is, this is a terrible movie. How exactly a film where a ZOMBIE FIGHTS A SHARK (!!!) can be boring, is beyond me, but somehow here it was achieved.

There are a few seconds of decent- brilliant, actually- gore, including an eye gouging scene that is probably the worst of its kind ever to grace the silver screen. Fulci was always good at that. He wasn't so good at anything else, though, like writing dialogue, or pacing a film, or doing any sort of decent dubbing, or compiling a soundtrack that doesn't make even Goblins worst work sound silly. At least, not at this point in his career.

Yep, the solid majority of the groans to be had in this movie are going to come from you. Did we really just watch like 30 minutes of the most totally unsympathetic and awkward characters in the history of low-budget Italian cinema talk aimlessly on a boat?  Was this movie really shot in English, dubbed in Italian, and then re-dubbed in English? Is the climax really going to be a bunch of people shuffling around in a barn that gets lit on fire? Is this really only called Zombi 2...because it is a unofficial sequel to Dawn of the Dead, hoping to ride the others coat-tails by deceiving a clueless public??

The answer to all those questions, is a thundering yes, rolling in like a storm on the Scottish Highlands. I've never actually seen a storm in Scotland- actually, I've never even been to Scotland. But the metaphor remains.

So why get this movie? If you want to impress the hell out of horror nerds, name dropping this film can go a long way. This is one of those films that separates the zombie fanboys from the zombie...fanMEN. 

It's like the Moby Dick of Zombie movies- really wearying to get through, much better summarized then in actuality, full of useless fluff and pointless information, ruining any sort of brief cool setups it has with poor execution- but somehow, it still gets massive credit.

Zombi I (Zombie 2)
Directed By Lucio Fulci
Written By Elisa Briganti
Starring Ugo Bologna, Al Cliver, Stefania D'Amerio

Dead Alive - More guts then you can shake a boatload of Oscars at.

It baffles a lot of people to learn that Peter Jackson, of Lord of the Rings and King Kong fame, got his start making insane low budget horror movies with government grant money in New Zealand.

Truth is, the man who won a bazillion awards directing and creating one of the biggest film projects of all time is a dirty, dirty man. His filmography kicks off with Bad Taste, a movie that features people drinking bowls of alien puke and more gleefully unhinged gore violence then was even remotely called for.

Dead Alive, which came later, continues that tradition. The last half of this movie is just insane. Pretty much everything that you could imagine happening, happens, with all sorts of bizarre Freudian implications.

As far as a zombie movie goes, it's a bit on the fringe- there is all sorts of weird demonic possession, and infectious diseases, and midgets in baby suits- but it's more or less a zombie movie, and most definitely worth your time.

Basically, it's the story of a complete and total mamas boy, whose mother has an unfortunate run-in with a plague infected animal. According to the films internal logic, this particular disease results from the rape of tree monkeys by rabid rats. You can see where this is going.

As his mom gets more and more sick, and more and more unhinged, the body count start racking up, and he does his absolute Norman-Bates-best to keep things under control. However, it only takes one douche-bag, slightly modish uncle to throw a totally inopportune house party, and provide some sort of set-up for a half hour of the most over-the-top, hilarious, and downright divinely-inspired bloodshed to occur. 

You'd never know, from some of things that happen in this film, that this was the man that would later become one of the biggest film makers in the world. When you see the midget in the fat baby suit laughing as it waddles through a hole in the wall, or animated intestines strangling the life out of a  Elvis Costello doppelganger, you'll know what I mean. Sometimes the future holds strange things.

I now have the blu-ray version of Dead Alive but it's a little pricey right now for some reason, and as much as I absolutely love this movie it is not worth it's 80$ current tag.



Dead Alive (known as Braindead outside the US)
Directed by Peter Jackson
Written by Stephen Sinclair, Fran Walsh, and Peter Jackson
Starring Timothy Balme, Diana Penalver, Elizabeth Moody

Night of the Living Dead

You pretty much have to have seen this movie if you're going to pretend to be even remotely into zombies. This might not be the first zombie movie, but it's certainly the movie that launched the idea of slow moving, feet shuffling, awkward groaning, flesh eating dead people unrelentingly swarming a tiny band of survivors whose tensions and lack of trust ultimately tear them apart...both figuratively, and literally.

Released in 1968, funded and produced independently and haphazardly by George Romero, the so called 'grandfather of the zombie', this film broke all sorts of boundaries. According to wiki, it was the first major film which starred a Black Actor in a non-racial role. It also featured mindless townsfolk eating each other, uptight white men being assholes, and probably one of the most uncomfortable stabbing scenes in the history of cinema.

 
That scene always makes me hold my stomach and shout "OH MY GOD" repeatedly, anyway.

What once was a scoffed at as a depraved and disgusting shlock fest has now entered the Library Of Congress, inspired countless films, movies, games, and low budget musicals, and allowed Romero to make an endless stream of slowly diminishing 'Something OF THE DEAD' films. Seriously, there are like 30 of them at this point. And you'll probably want to watch most of them.

Night of the Living Dead has a lot going for it. It's faux-documentary style and low budget really work in its favour, creating a sort of plausibility that most horror films lack. The acting may range all over the place, but even when it's silly, it rarely detracts from the film itself, it just sort of comes off cute. Even though it's not particularly violent by the standards of today...it still manages to be creepy, gross, and unsettling.

It's got something about it, something lucky. It simply works, both as a horror film, as social commentary, and as a piece of art in general.

One thing it doesn't have anymore, however, is copyright. Apparently, when the decision was made to change the title from "Night of the Flesh Eaters" to "Night of the Living Dead," some poor bloke forgot to add in the copyright information. So, this is film is actually public domain. You can download it, screen it anywhere, hell, you could actually distribute it, if you wanted to. People have- there are a ridiculous number of DVD releases, and some of them ABSOLUTELY MANGLE THE MOVIE.

People have seen fit to re-dub the sound, to colorize the film, to add in their own scenes or cut up existing ones. When buying this film, you have to be careful to buy a version that doesn't suck. Read the reviews, use your google-fu, and ask around. I have included a link below to the best version I've seen. Yes, it's an ad...but I have to eat too!

Night of the Living Dead is one of the corner stones of the zombie machine, and not in the way that, for example, 'Dracula' is to the current vampire craze, or fondling is to genital herpes. This movie pretty much set down the blueprint for these type of films that people are still following to this day, and will probably continue to do in the future.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Directed by George Romero.
Written by John Russo and George Romero.
Starring Duane Jones, Judith O'Dea, Karl Hardman, and Marilyn Eastman.
Makeup/Effects by Tom Savini.